You can rip my heart out tonight

Writer's Block: Top of the Charts

2009-09-08T15:56:46Z

What's the most-played song in your music library?

View 2057 Answers

last.fm
1. Have Heart - Bostons
2. Bayside - The Walking Wounded
3. Have Heart - Hard Bark On The Family Tree
4. Bayside - Carry On
5. Have Heart - The Same Son
6. Have Heart - The Taste Of The Floor
7. Have Heart - Pave Paradise
8. A Day To Remember - I'm Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?
9. Have Heart - No Roses, No Skies
10. Have Heart - On The Bird In The Cage

I really need to reset my last.fm charts -.- Can you tell how much I listened to the Have Heart album that came out last summer?

itunes
1. Bayside - The Walking Wounded
2. Bayside - Devotion and Desire
3. Bayside - Carry On
4. Bayside - Hello Shitty
5. Bayside - Landing Feet First
6. A Day To Remember - I'm Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?
7. Bayside - Beautiful Girls
8. Bayside - Duality
9. Bayside - Guardrail
10. Bayside - Montauk

...I'm not at all proud of this.

andthensheslike @ 2009-08-13T10:22:00

2009-08-13T14:23:30Z

Look me in the heart & unbreak broken, it won't happen.

andthensheslike @ 2009-08-02T00:05:00

2009-08-02T05:05:43Z

I'm not sure if the Livejournal mobile site is a new thing or I just never knew about it till now, but I'm really excited about this. Just wanna throw that out there. That's all I've got at the moment. I'm gonna curl up in a ball & watch Clerks 2 now. Hopefully I'll pass out before I end up crying & all sorts of upset. That tends to happen every night lately, haha. I'm pathetic. It happens.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

andthensheslike @ 2009-08-01T03:21:00

2009-08-01T08:15:13Z

I never update this thing anymore. I keep saying I'm gonna start actually using this again and that only lasts about a week or so. I manage to keep up with my friends list, although the number of people I know who have a Livejournal and still actively update is slowly decreasing. I've for the most part switched to using my tumblr, which I think is partially why I slack on updating this so much. It's not like there's much going on with me these days that's worth even mentioning. I work, I spend all of my money carelessly instead of saving it like I should be, everyday of my life is becoming more and more of a struggle and I'm scared absolutely shitless about my life.

For the longest time, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, severe mood swings, paranoia... basically anything outside of hallucinations that you can think of. Over time, it's been getting progressively worse. I've tried therapy, numerous medications, basically anything you can think of outside of hospitalization, and nothing works. I'm getting to the point in my life where it's imperative that I find something that works. It doesn't even have to work as well as I'd like it to, I just need something that will help me even just enough to keep me functioning, because I'm barely able to even do that anymore. I decided I was gonna look into a more natural way of treating the depression aspect of it, at least, so I started taking St. John's Wort today. I'm supposed to take one capsule three times a day. I've got no idea how long it takes before it starts to work, I assume it's like anything else and it won't work for at least a month or so. I'm really hoping that this will help even the tiniest bit. I need to start going to therapy again too, but that's not gonna be able to happen for a while. I've been seriously contemplating putting myself into the hospital the last couple of weeks... I'm looking at it as a last resort, but I think it might be a good idea. It'll get me the help I need a hell of a lot faster, but I'm so scared to actually do it. I don't like the fact that I've gotten to this point, I don't even know HOW I got to this point. I mean, there's no reason for things to be the way that they are. In the grand scheme of things, my life isn't bad. Not to say that it's good, but things could be a hell of a lot worse than they are.

On the other hand, at the rate things are going, my life is going to end up bad. I've been living with my grandmother on and off since November 2007, and I'm gonna more than likely gonna end up homeless by the end of the year. She's selling her house and moving across the country, much like my mother did two and a half years ago. I've been trying so hard to be saving up money towards an apartment so I'm not going to be completely fucked over by the time all of this happens and so I'll actually be able to afford a place on my own, but I can't seem to do it for whatever reason. I have absolutely no money to my name, my bank account is around -$250, and even if this wasn't the case, I don't make NEARLY enough money to even consider getting an apartment. I'm already having to hold off on going back to school in the fall like I really wanted to do just so I can work as much as I possibly can, and even that's not going to be enough. I don't get enough hours at work, the economy sucks so the chances of me finding another job are slim to none, and even if I were to find a second job, I don't want to fuck with my availability at work because if I do that, I've basically been told there's no way in hell I'm gonna keep working 30 hours a week. It sickens me that minimum wage is as low as it is, it really does. Working 40 hrs/week at $8/hour only equals out to $320/week, which is $1280/month... and that's BEFORE taxes are taken out. Factor in an apartment, food, utilities & gas... you can't fucking live on that. Plain and simple. I've pretty much already come to terms with the fact that I'm gonna be living in my car by winter time. It could even be before winter, that's what the worst part about all of this is. My grandmother's house has been on the market since April 1st, and I've been trying to figure all of this shit out since then but I just can't. She's already decided that regardless of whether or not the house is sold by then, she's moving out west come winter. I'm not even sure if she's going to wait till winter, or if she's gonna go in November or something. And then of course, there's the chance of the house selling before she decides to leave. So realistically speaking, someone could put an offer on the house tomorrow. If that happened and a potential buyer didn't back out and they actually went through with it, I could have only a couple of weeks before I'm fucked. The woman who lives in the house two over from mine's had her house on the market for over a year now, and suddenly not only got an offer on her house, but accepted the offer & they closed the house on Wednesday... all of that happening in about a 2 week period. Clearly this shows that anything's possible at this point.

I've never been as terrified about anything in my life as I am right now. What I hate about it most of all? I've never been as alone as I am right now either. All of this shit's been running through my head, stressing me out and driving me crazy to the point where I'm making myself sick, and I have absolutely no one to just be there for me. I just need someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder and kiss me on the forehead and tell me shit's gonna be okay, and there's no one there. I've been doing this whole single thing for a while now, and it's really starting to get to me. I'm so envious of everyone I know. All of my friends are in serious relationships, and I'm more alone than I've ever been or felt. I constantly run into people I went to school with at work, and they tell me all about how wonderful their life is and how great their boyfriends are and how everything's just perfect, and then they ask me about my life, and my boyfriend, and when I tell them I don't have one and that the most I'm doing with my life is working at Walmart, I get the same look every single time. They look at me like I'm pathetic, like there's something wrong with me. Like they don't know whether to feel bad for me or laugh at me because I'm still the loner outcast I was back in high school. I'm at the point where I'm actually joining fucking dating websites, hoping that maybe somehow, by some fucking miracle, I'll meet someone, and by even more of a miracle, they'll actually be interested in me. I hate myself for even writing any of this shit out, I'm rereading this entire last paragraph and I feel like this is something a 13 year old would be writing because the boy in her class doesn't have a crush on her back, and it really makes me feel terrible about myself. I've done nothing but cry for the last month at least, and it sucks. This honestly never used to bother me but now that shit's falling apart as badly as it is, it's fucking killing me. I miss feeling wanted, I miss feeling like I'm loved, or even just cared about, I miss feeling like I actually mean something, like I'm actually attractive. I don't even remember what it feels like to have someone hold me, let alone fall asleep in someone else's arms. I don't remember when the last time I was kissed was, at least when it wasn't in a sexual context or when I was forcing it upon someone who apparently really didn't want me to do it. . It seems like all I'm good for as far as guys are concerned is sex, which is really funny because I don't sleep around with guys. I won't sleep with a guy unless I really like them and I'm involved with them. Apparently I'm just naive, and guys know exactly how to make me feel special, talk their way into my pants, have their fun and then turn around and tell me "it was never gonna go anywhere with us." I just want to know what the fuck is so wrong with me, why I'm never fucking good enough. I deserve a shot at love too. At least that's what I'd like to believe. It's just getting to the point where I'm doing nothing but kidding myself, it seems.

andthensheslike @ 2009-06-06T12:13:00

2009-06-06T16:21:34Z

I randomly got a webcam the other day so I decided to make a Dailybooth to give myself something to do while I sit around at home doing nothing. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person I know who has one but I don't care. Enjoy.

andthensheslike @ 2009-05-17T00:48:00

2009-05-17T04:49:42Z

My lower abdomen's been twitching kind of a lot lately. It's the strangest feeling in the world, haha.

andthensheslike @ 2009-03-22T00:20:00

2009-03-22T04:30:31Z

I'm trying harder than I ever have to just let myself be happy, to let go of all of the tiny things in life that bother me and just focus on making myself happy, instead of trying to make everyone else happy... but I just can't do it. I mean, I've been going on and on and on about how I'm not going to let negativity bring me down, how I'm just going to embrace all of the amazing things life has to offer and figure out how to get back on my feet and get my life in order. But all I can do is sit here and cry. I can't even fucking cry in front of anyone anymore. I don't know if it's because I feel like vulnerable and weak if I do it or because no one gives a shit about it at this point or what, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sick of feeling like this but I'm even more so sick of knowing that it's never going to completely go away, no matter how strong of a person I aspire to be, nothing's ever going to change. I'm convinced I'm never going to be a fully functional person on my own. I'm always going to need the comfort of having someone there. And the most sick and twisted part of it all is that the one person that I need in my life more than anything is the one person who treats me like absolute fucking shit most of the time. I think it's my insecurities talking though, I think it's more so that I feel as though I need to constantly be put down and hurt and lied to, because for some fucked up insane reason, I deserve it. Or who knows, maybe it's not insecurity talking anymore. Maybe I do deserve it. Or maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and enjoy being miserable. I don't think it could possibly be the second option though, because this is the worst feeling in the world.

Fuck.

andthensheslike @ 2008-08-09T17:48:00

2008-08-09T21:49:57Z

thepanicroom

New journal.
Add it.

andthensheslike @ 2008-08-09T14:31:00

2008-08-09T18:34:06Z

"Never forgot the time you made me feel alive when death was on my mind, or when you held onto me when the world let me fall behind. You were love to me, rather than just a word; a friend was all you were & it changed my heart. Stood next to me through the storm, felt the wounds & kept me warm, something I had never seen before & I thank you."

I'm empty & slowly losing the will to fight for much of anything these days.
I just can't find it in me anymore.

Bring me back to life.

andthensheslike @ 2008-08-07T22:50:00

2008-08-08T02:51:25Z

I'm so sick of my ability to fuck things up so badly when all I'm trying to do is the exact opposite. I need a serious bitchslap. I wish I could actually find legitimate words to express myself with but everything running through my mind is jumbled.

andthensheslike @ 2008-07-16T23:41:00

2008-07-17T03:42:38Z

I love ignorant people more than life itself.

I cannot wait to get the fuck out of Massachusetts & never look back. I can already sense it's going to be the most liberating feeling in the world.

andthensheslike @ 2008-05-29T12:50:00

2008-05-29T16:52:37Z

I'm really bad about writing in here. Not that anyone reads it when I do. At least, no one I'm aware of. For all I know, I could have someone stalking my Livejournal. It's highly unlikely though, considering I update this once every 3 months.

For anyone that actually reads this, I swear, I'll post a really long entry later today all about the monotony that is my life.

andthensheslike @ 2008-05-18T14:12:00

2008-05-18T18:18:00Z

I love reading my old Livejournals & finding things I wrote 4 years ago. I also love when the exact words I wrote 4 years ago apply to my life in the present.

"I have so many insecurities, and I wish I didn't have them. I wish that I could just take a compliment, and know someone means it, instead of arguing it because I know it's not true. I wish that I could be happy with who I am, and not have to try pleasing anyone else.

I wish I was the person everyone wants me to be. I wish I was a good friend, a good daughter.. I wish I was just a good person. I wish I could be trusted. I wish I didn't take everything the wrong way. I wish I would think before I act or speak. I wish I could take all my mistakes back. I wish everything would go back to normal.

I wish I was capable of being loved. I wish you would just hold me in your arms and tell me that you love me. I wish you weren't so far away, and yet so close. I wish you weren't so close, and yet so distant. I wish I knew what you, and you, really think of me. I wish I knew who you really were.

I wish for a lot of things. Too bad wishes never come true."

I also love how I can't stop listening to Sittin' At A Bar. It's a good song though. I just wish it didn't make me want to bawl my eyes out. I wish I had chosen him over them. I know I made the wrong choice. I should have followed my heart, but I didn't. I always make the wrong choices & don't realize until after the fact. I need to do something about that. My life could be so much different right now, I could be so much happier than I am, but I threw it all away. I'd do anything to take it all back, but I can't. Even if I could, it would never be the same, so there's no point in even thinking about trying to change the past. I just need to keep my head clear & focus on the future, no matter how hard it is to do.

andthensheslike @ 2008-03-09T14:35:00

2008-03-09T18:36:00Z

I miss my old fucking life. I want my heart back. ASAP. Thanks.

andthensheslike @ 2008-01-12T11:10:00

2008-01-12T16:27:37Z

My grandfather died yesterday and it really put things into perspective for me. I've spent so long pushing people away and attempting to maintain what I thought was a safe distance emotionally when I should really be cherishing every last moment I get with anyone. This isn't coming out nearly as well as I had intended, but it's 11:15 in the morning and I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep in the last 24 hours, so bear with me. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: embrace the moments you have with those you love, because you really don't know when they'll be gone.

"you won't be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cuz it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cuz i'm so lost without you down here
you won't be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye."

andthensheslike @ 2008-01-10T23:42:00

2008-01-11T04:43:51Z

There's nothing I'd love more right now than to pack up my car and get the hell out of Western Mass. I've realized all this area does to a person is suck the life right out of you, and I want it back.

andthensheslike @ 2008-01-05T03:03:00

2008-01-05T08:03:31Z

...And just as fast as I lost him, I got him back. Life is good, dude.

andthensheslike @ 2008-01-02T18:44:00

2008-01-02T23:53:24Z

I just had my boyfriend taken away from me. My heart's been ripped out, stepped on and brutally mutilated. I just need to keep my head up and try to have a positive attitude about this whole thing, otherwise I'm gonna crash and burn.. it won't be a pretty sight, either.

andthensheslike @ 2007-12-18T16:41:00

2007-12-18T21:42:30Z

I'm having such a shit day. First, one of my tapers fell out while I was sleeping so now I have to regauge my ears. Then, my car won't start so I had to bring it to get fixed and I'm stranded at my house. Also, I apparently have problems because I'm drinking coffee out of a glass. The only good thing to happen today was getting 40 bucks for no reason. Unfortunately, I'm probably gonna end up going to the bar and blowing it all.

Things I need:
1. A new car
2. A hug
3. A new brain
4. A new life
5. Sleep

andthensheslike @ 2007-12-15T16:46:00

2007-12-15T21:47:03Z

I never realized how easy it is to love another person until recently. That being said, I never realized how fucking difficult it is as well.

andthensheslike @ 2007-11-16T10:15:00

2007-11-16T15:17:02Z

I can't post what I wanted to post since my last 5 entries all say the same thing. I really need an emotional pick-me-up.

andthensheslike @ 2007-11-02T18:28:00

2007-11-02T22:29:24Z

I recently came to the realization that I'm just not fucking happy anymore & I can't quite figure out why.

andthensheslike @ 2007-10-28T10:38:00

2007-10-28T14:43:42Z

I'm beginning to realize that I'm really unsure about everything in my life. I'm really sick of everything, all of the bullshit in my life particularly.

andthensheslike @ 2007-09-27T01:17:00

2007-09-27T05:23:06Z

So, here's a quick rundown on my life: I'm sicker than I've been in a long time & I've worked more hours in the past week than I usually work in 3. Needless to say, I'm not exactly the happiest of people right now. I also have this feeling that everything in my life is falling apart & I constantly find myself in pieces over it. Of course, I'm repeatedly told that I'm wrong & that I need to stop searching for reassurance on a daily basis.

I need to stop attempting to numb everything with alcohol. I really do. I'm a big girl. I need to suck up the fact that shit's gonna suck 95% of the time instead of trying to hide from reality, I need to stop trying to avoid everything I don't want to speak about. Things will only get worse if I don't.

andthensheslike @ 2007-09-20T02:14:00

2007-09-20T06:15:46Z

After a short hiatus, I'm returning to cryptic, short entries.

I'M SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT OJ SIMPSON. I'm gonna go back to my binge drinking now.