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I never update this thing anymore. I keep saying I'm gonna start actually using this again and that only lasts about a week or so. I manage to keep up with my friends list, although the number of people I know who have a Livejournal and still actively update is slowly decreasing. I've for the most part switched to using my tumblr, which I think is partially why I slack on updating this so much. It's not like there's much going on with me these days that's worth even mentioning. I work, I spend all of my money carelessly instead of saving it like I should be, everyday of my life is becoming more and more of a struggle and I'm scared absolutely shitless about my life.
For the longest time, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, severe mood swings, paranoia... basically anything outside of hallucinations that you can think of. Over time, it's been getting progressively worse. I've tried therapy, numerous medications, basically anything you can think of outside of hospitalization, and nothing works. I'm getting to the point in my life where it's imperative that I find something that works. It doesn't even have to work as well as I'd like it to, I just need something that will help me even just enough to keep me functioning, because I'm barely able to even do that anymore. I decided I was gonna look into a more natural way of treating the depression aspect of it, at least, so I started taking St. John's Wort today. I'm supposed to take one capsule three times a day. I've got no idea how long it takes before it starts to work, I assume it's like anything else and it won't work for at least a month or so. I'm really hoping that this will help even the tiniest bit. I need to start going to therapy again too, but that's not gonna be able to happen for a while. I've been seriously contemplating putting myself into the hospital the last couple of weeks... I'm looking at it as a last resort, but I think it might be a good idea. It'll get me the help I need a hell of a lot faster, but I'm so scared to actually do it. I don't like the fact that I've gotten to this point, I don't even know HOW I got to this point. I mean, there's no reason for things to be the way that they are. In the grand scheme of things, my life isn't bad. Not to say that it's good, but things could be a hell of a lot worse than they are.
On the other hand, at the rate things are going, my life is going to end up bad. I've been living with my grandmother on and off since November 2007, and I'm gonna more than likely gonna end up homeless by the end of the year. She's selling her house and moving across the country, much like my mother did two and a half years ago. I've been trying so hard to be saving up money towards an apartment so I'm not going to be completely fucked over by the time all of this happens and so I'll actually be able to afford a place on my own, but I can't seem to do it for whatever reason. I have absolutely no money to my name, my bank account is around -$250, and even if this wasn't the case, I don't make NEARLY enough money to even consider getting an apartment. I'm already having to hold off on going back to school in the fall like I really wanted to do just so I can work as much as I possibly can, and even that's not going to be enough. I don't get enough hours at work, the economy sucks so the chances of me finding another job are slim to none, and even if I were to find a second job, I don't want to fuck with my availability at work because if I do that, I've basically been told there's no way in hell I'm gonna keep working 30 hours a week. It sickens me that minimum wage is as low as it is, it really does. Working 40 hrs/week at $8/hour only equals out to $320/week, which is $1280/month... and that's BEFORE taxes are taken out. Factor in an apartment, food, utilities & gas... you can't fucking live on that. Plain and simple. I've pretty much already come to terms with the fact that I'm gonna be living in my car by winter time. It could even be before winter, that's what the worst part about all of this is. My grandmother's house has been on the market since April 1st, and I've been trying to figure all of this shit out since then but I just can't. She's already decided that regardless of whether or not the house is sold by then, she's moving out west come winter. I'm not even sure if she's going to wait till winter, or if she's gonna go in November or something. And then of course, there's the chance of the house selling before she decides to leave. So realistically speaking, someone could put an offer on the house tomorrow. If that happened and a potential buyer didn't back out and they actually went through with it, I could have only a couple of weeks before I'm fucked. The woman who lives in the house two over from mine's had her house on the market for over a year now, and suddenly not only got an offer on her house, but accepted the offer & they closed the house on Wednesday... all of that happening in about a 2 week period. Clearly this shows that anything's possible at this point.
I've never been as terrified about anything in my life as I am right now. What I hate about it most of all? I've never been as alone as I am right now either. All of this shit's been running through my head, stressing me out and driving me crazy to the point where I'm making myself sick, and I have absolutely no one to just be there for me. I just need someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder and kiss me on the forehead and tell me shit's gonna be okay, and there's no one there. I've been doing this whole single thing for a while now, and it's really starting to get to me. I'm so envious of everyone I know. All of my friends are in serious relationships, and I'm more alone than I've ever been or felt. I constantly run into people I went to school with at work, and they tell me all about how wonderful their life is and how great their boyfriends are and how everything's just perfect, and then they ask me about my life, and my boyfriend, and when I tell them I don't have one and that the most I'm doing with my life is working at Walmart, I get the same look every single time. They look at me like I'm pathetic, like there's something wrong with me. Like they don't know whether to feel bad for me or laugh at me because I'm still the loner outcast I was back in high school. I'm at the point where I'm actually joining fucking dating websites, hoping that maybe somehow, by some fucking miracle, I'll meet someone, and by even more of a miracle, they'll actually be interested in me. I hate myself for even writing any of this shit out, I'm rereading this entire last paragraph and I feel like this is something a 13 year old would be writing because the boy in her class doesn't have a crush on her back, and it really makes me feel terrible about myself. I've done nothing but cry for the last month at least, and it sucks. This honestly never used to bother me but now that shit's falling apart as badly as it is, it's fucking killing me. I miss feeling wanted, I miss feeling like I'm loved, or even just cared about, I miss feeling like I actually mean something, like I'm actually attractive. I don't even remember what it feels like to have someone hold me, let alone fall asleep in someone else's arms. I don't remember when the last time I was kissed was, at least when it wasn't in a sexual context or when I was forcing it upon someone who apparently really didn't want me to do it. . It seems like all I'm good for as far as guys are concerned is sex, which is really funny because I don't sleep around with guys. I won't sleep with a guy unless I really like them and I'm involved with them. Apparently I'm just naive, and guys know exactly how to make me feel special, talk their way into my pants, have their fun and then turn around and tell me "it was never gonna go anywhere with us." I just want to know what the fuck is so wrong with me, why I'm never fucking good enough. I deserve a shot at love too. At least that's what I'd like to believe. It's just getting to the point where I'm doing nothing but kidding myself, it seems.
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